It has been a massive leap for me to create this blog and make my life public. I have spent the last 18 months or so hiding any form of personal information I could. I had even deleted my Facebook account, made any other social media account private and cut off a lot of people I knew. In doing so I thought I was protecting myself, my relationship with Steve and more importantly, Alexander. There was so much negativity around I didn’t want it to weave its way through my life again when I had just used so much energy in eradicating it in the first place. What I realised was that hiding myself from the world was preventing me from doing things I wanted to do, keeping me from making my dreams and ideas a reality.
I had tried to write a few different blogs before, however when I created them I over-edited. I didn’t want people to know too many details about my life and I was a little scared of putting myself out there. I didn’t know if what I had to say was interesting enough, I didn’t know if I could write well enough and I seriously lacked self-confidence. Prior to my relationship with Steve, when it came to following dreams and achieving goals my support network was largely self-generated. I never really opened up to my family and being in a relationship that was emotionally abusive and manipulating eroded any self-confidence I once had. I was, in a way, ashamed of my life and how I had become so reliant on someone who did nothing but tear me down. The most difficult part was that to anyone watching on we looked like a normal, happy and healthy couple – he exuded a sort of superficial charm and for the most part appeared to be the doting, loving and supportive husband. It was behind the scenes where the damage was done. What started out as little snide remarks and subtle put downs eventually turned into outright denigration. I had so many ideas for businesses, ventures and hobbies, none of which came to fruition because I had taken from me the self-confidence needed to pursue my dreams. I finally built up the drive needed to escape this toxic relationship I was in, but repairing my sense of self and positive attitude towards my place in the world took some time.
The turning point is a complicated story, but a story nonetheless. I came into contact with a woman who inspired me, who had a similar past experience to me and who had overcome any set backs to put herself and her several successful businesses out there. She now uses her experience to coach others in making their business dreams come true. I thought to myself ‘if she can put herself out there, then why can’t I?’ I realised I was allowing my past to hold me back from creating a bright and successful future for myself. How can I let these people indirectly stop me from achieving my goals and following my dreams when the reason they are in my past is because they have nothing positive to contribute to my future?
Which direction are you heading in?
Then it all started falling into place.
The ideas started to flow… and kept going. I knew the stories I wanted to tell and I knew how I wanted to do it. I launched myself into learning everything I could about blogging and what I needed to do to get my site up and running, and running well. I am still learning, it is a whole new language and at times it makes me wonder why I am doing it, but then I see how many people are visiting my site or I see my site transforming and coming together and experience a massive sense of achievement. I couldn’t do any of this without the support I have from Steve and my family. Steve has been more encouraging and supportive than I could have ever asked for. He encourages me to keep going, helps me when trying to understand and writing html frustrates me, cleans and maintains the house when my head is busy buried in my laptop and tops up my glass of wine at night. I was a little hesitant in telling my family about this blog, I wasn’t sure how they would react. My Mum has been nothing but encouraging to me throughout my life, but she is also a realist and lets me know when she thinks an idea won’t work or if she thinks it may be a waste of time (she doesn’t realise she lets me know this however after many years I have learnt to read her body language and can tell when she doesn’t approve of something). When I told my Mum I didn’t know what to expect. I was so happy when she smiled and told me she thought it was a great idea. My parents and my brothers have been amazingly supportive, reading my posts and letting me know what they think.
I cannot believe how lucky I am.
Reflecting on all of this I realised that I have had Steve and my family supporting me for quite some time now. The only thing that was holding me back was me and my hang ups on what I did or didn’t want people to know. It took an inspiring woman to make me realise that I couldn’t let my past hold me back from my future. I am wondering… how many people are letting someone else hold them back from what they really want in life? What are your goals? What are you dreams? Are you moving towards achieving them? If not… then who is holding you back?